mybestkungfu's Diaryland Diary

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social anxiety body dysmorphia

i am not attending the gala tonight. Michael has gone. am sitting in a room at the MGM Grand in my underwear.
i didn't have anything nice to wear was the problem. i forgot to pack proper attire. but i just realize i use that excuse a lot.
and i just realize i haven't felt comfortable in any grown up dress-up event
in a long time because of how i feel about my body. i don't buy nice clothes because i'm always thinking i'll lose weight
so i don't want to waste the money and have to get new clothes when i'm thin.
except i haven't remembered feeling good about anything i've worn
to a party in a good 13 years.
maybe this has something to do with 13 years ago i wore this nice dress
and this 30 yr old guy put his hand on my thigh under the table.
we were sitting at a booth with his wife and my cousins. someone's wedding.
i told my cousin later that evening and he said i should
have broken the guy's fingers.
with what?
my own fingers?
but i digress again.
it is either time i lost the weight i've been wanting to lose since
my 20s or accept my body as it is.

8:49 p.m. - Jul. 29, 2010

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A Dumb Doofus

went to see a shrink for an ADD screening. he sat there and asked about my life from utero to present. i got up to 2003 and he says he thinks i have ADD.
so that's that?
i thought i was going to get more. uh. scientific tests?
like getting hooked up to a sensor that's hooked up to lab rats and my rats start forgetting where they put their shit and procrastinating about building their rats nests. then he gave me photocopied forms to fill out at home.
i don't know about this. what if i'm lying just to get Ritalin. the folder he gave me the forms in was crumpled and ratty.
i have to rate myself from 1 to 4 about whether or not the statements apply to me.
...i lost the folder hold on a sec.

4:42 p.m. - Jul. 09, 2010

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