mybestkungfu's Diaryland Diary

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battle of the sweetfish

it may be because of my newly *cough* found appreciation for food.
it may be because we don't have cable.
but i've grown to love the 'Iron Chef' show.
it seems to be one of the few serieses i can stomach.

i believe i am afflicted with debilitating 'vicarious embarrassment'.
if i see anyone (real life or TV) making an ass of himself, a socially awkward moment,
any sign of emotional stress, and my thumbs are in my ears and i'm humming in my head until it's over.
i can't do it. i can't watch people publicly humiliate themselves.
and it's getting worse.
i can't watch people get kicked off islands, out of houses,
be the last in amazing race, lose on game shows,
be told that their loved one isn't the sex purported,
listen to Jennifer Love Hewitt's horrifying attempt at a music career.

this happens in social situations as well. if i observe someone being an idiot it's funny/entertaining.
but if i notice that other people noticing this person is an idiot
it becomes painful. it becomes my own experience.

i have overpowering urges to get out of busses/trains/line ups,
just so i don't have to listen to people laugh behind someone's back.
'why can't you see it?!' i want to tell the idiot. 'stop being a loser!'.
but i am paralyzed with empathized humiliation.

except for Iron Chef.
it's all about technical expertise. it's mostly about food.
if the judges say anything about a dish being 'too salty',
i am ready with my thumbs hovering around my ears in case the critisism goes on.
but it rarely does - because the japanese are very gracious,
their criticisms never laden with sarcasm
and almost always end in 'my humble opinion'.
and even when the challenging chefs are being mean,
the commentators are going 'wow, is he yelling? he must be stressed!
but look at that lovely fish sorbet!'

i am afraid that one of these days, i will be having a conversation with someone.
it will be a dinner party and although i will be concerned
that my shoes are not perfectly matching my dress,
i will be more anxious about this person in front of me.
and he/she is telling me a story
and it's weak and lame.
but it's ok until i notice that the other guests are paying too much attention
to this person not be funny or entertaining or smart.
and it will happen without me thinking about it.
i will be in fetal position, hands over my ears, humming Team America's Montage.
.Blocking and redirecting bad karma.

i only want a cure.
i want to be able to sit through a whole tv show/movie without cowering.
i want to be able to socialise with strangers without inwardly flinching.
i want to feel bad for the impoverished instead of the socially
retarded like a normal person.
i don't want to give a crap about them.
i know they don't have problems breeding.
look at the english.

3:34 p.m. - Feb. 19, 2005

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